One of the nice things (for me) about lockdown was that it gave me more time to engage with -- to listen, to play, to read about -- music. Before lockdown, music had slipped away from me for reasons that I'm sure will be familiar to many, namely I was busy doing other stuff. I was a long way from being fifteen or twenty-five, when I had convinced myself that music was my emotional connection to the world, when I organized my life around learning instruments, playing in a band, writing songs, going to shows, recording, rehearsing, touring, etc. It was misguided in many ways, but it could have been a lot worse. I had fun, I saw a lot of the country, and -- in retrospect -- it was a good (and not good) way to sublimate the extreme anxiety I had around being gay, which as much as I tried to deny it was the organizing force of my life. But once I addressed this anxiety by coming out, I began to change. It took a few years, but I found new responsibilities and interests: a 'real' job/career, a partner, cats, opera, writing, gardening, bad television, this blog. Music took a back seat, not only because I was busy, but also because I wanted to distance myself from what I had been. But three or four years ago, I realized that I missed listening to new music, and that there was no point in punishing myself for what I had been, much less who I had become. I started dipping into the music blogs, where I discovered exactly what I had been craving. I remember when Brooklyn Vegan published their Top Fifty of 2019, after which I fell in love with Weyes Blood/Titanic Rising in ways that reminded me of being a teenager. (Playing it over and over again, mostly, and succumbing to the ease of [a popular corporate music streaming service]). I started going to shows, which was also fun, although I wouldn't want to make a habit of it. (My ears are still ringing from this show, for example.) And then, when lockdown arrived, I decided to use a few of the extra hours I had saved by not going anywhere by pulling my guitars out of my closet and writing some songs. Sometimes it feels a bit pointless or futile (especially when I'm stuck in some layer of technological hell learning the software), but mostly I love doing it. What I've realized in 2022, as lockdown becomes for most a memory and I realize that I, too, will have to reengage with the outside world, is that I enjoy writing and recording songs and videos for the same reason I like doing many other things: it's a way to forget about the more frightening problems of life in the modern world. It's a kind of drug, but one that -- unlike so many other mind-erasing techniques -- has no hangover. I tried to capture all of the above (or none of the above) in this new song, which I hope you'll enjoy (or not enjoy) :)
Link.
